Resisting the Urge to Retaliate
It takes practice.
During the first administration of 45/47, I attended a lot of demonstrations in New York City, where I've lived for more than 50 years. One of the first was in the heart of Manhattan—Times Square. It wasn't a huge gathering of people, but we were passionate and just getting our "demonstration legs," so to speak.
I was happy to be there, wanted to record my presence in what had been called a "candlelight vigil for peace," have never been good at selfies—particularly when holding a lit candle—so I turned to a man with a military haircut and rigid jaw who was standing against the barrier with his arms crossed, staring at the crowd. "Would take a photo of me on my digital camera?" I asked. Without a word, he complied.
I thought he was probably undercover and was grateful he'd helped me.
In general, we were a helpful crowd, so when a young woman who looked like a tourist started asking questions of those around her and filming their responses, we were all happy to inform her.
"How did this get organized?" "Who started this?" "Isn't Trump a billionaire businessman so why wouldn't he know how to run the country?"
By her gleeful smirk, I knew after the second question that she was not there to demonstrate for peace. On the contrary, she was trying to infuriate people and capture their insane-looking expressions on video.
Standing to her left, right in front of me, were two men in their thirties. One had braids and a kind of childlike awkwardness and beside him was a man who appeared to be his partner. He had a more corporate demeanor. "She doesn't really want information," I told them. "Don't respond. She's just trying to get you mad and video it."
The corporate guy nodded, getting it instantly. But as the woman's disdainful questions and comments escalated, the man in braids could not contain himself, and with a face twisted with rage—all of which was captured on her camera—he yelled at her that she was stupid.
Bingo: a perfect video of a crazy lib, to be broadcasted all over social media, out of context, with no record of her needling instigation.
"You just gave her exactly what she wanted," I said to the man in braids. But he was out of control, vibrating with rage, and could not contain it.
It was just words.
Why? Why?
Why do we give in to our own impulses to lob them back?
“Why do we get angry about what we believe?” asked Thomas Merton in No Man Is an Island. “Because we do not really believe it. Or else what we pretend to be defending as the ‘truth’ is really our own self-esteem.”
Therefore the antidote to escalating retaliation is deeply knowing what you believe and are committed to, grounding in your personal morality and convictions, and never wavering from the overall goal of your presence. Or in negative terms—less productive in my opinion—try never to give in to the ego which requires validation of its importance.
Will you commit to peace, sanity, and democracy?
If so, when agitators come, sit down and shut up. When they comment, block them. Turn the other cheek. Remember why you are doing what you're doing.
Betsy Robinson is an editor, fiction writer, journalist, and playwright. She has written about books for Publishers Weekly, Lithub, Oh Reader, and many other publications. Her novels Cats on a Pole and The Spectators were published by Kano Press in 2024. She writes funny stories about flawed people and examines our herd culture. www.BetsyRobinson-writer.com.